lurkers suck!!

ok....this is probably my last entry into the live journal arena.......the concept of writing your feelings is a great one...a healthy one.....

and now i believe it should not be open to the lurkers to read.......it seems that some folks just are not mature enough to give the personal freedom to others......you can be truthful but not to their face ..and not on this journal...cause they may feel hurt and abused by such streight forward talk..

and of course do not assume you can be yourself and vent and blow off steam in front of your friends....that is also not ok..it scares them ..they do not understand..............

hmmmm

just in front of strangers??? but aren't you the safest in front of your friends ..you know people who care about you...??? hmmm

or maybe they do not really know you and do not care as much as they keep saying......

now that is hard to believe.....but I know folks in my past just like that....they try hard..but it always goes back to them.......
and as a result......if you are the strong one ..you never feel you can vent ..you hold back those feelings and emotions....and
blwmmmmwwyyyyy

bad stuff happens....your stress, your health......your body gives up....

......I had beleived this concept was a good one....I know for a fact that a personal journal is a key element to your growth as a person....it is a great tool and any psych person can gives you reasons and reasons why......
but I also thought this format was a lazy way to communicate more about me to my family......a little peek into mom and how she thinks.....
sort of like being able to read about your grandma from her letters she wrote as a young wife , but you are reading them after she died.

I did that and learned more about her....she was an interesting lady....

but you will notice someone is dead in that scenerio......and it seems that real life folks can not communicate this way.....
or just for a short time......

we have a counselor lady that had learned about this idea of the live journal
from us and was surprised by it....

she said it was a bad idea.......giving people access to your most personal thoughts and emotions...and how you work out your problems...etc......
makes you very vulnerable........
and not that being vulnerable is a bad idea.....but the other person reading it may not be the type that have your best interests in mind.....


they will use it .

so for all my family that I keep in touch with....I am going back to using your individual email.....and for some of those (like you Jeanne)....I will write a letter......


the journal was one way to write once and reach out to everyone.....but I can live without it.....easily......I think of it more as a copied chrismas letter you may get.....(a copy of the same letter goes out to all the relatives.....nice for news...but you do not feel like you were thought of individualy)

so folks.....lurkers, realtives...friends..would-be friends......

and all you friends that are lurkers......
this was your shot at communciation without having to look me face to face....
some folks have phones and feel they communcate betterthat way......
well I do not..you will not find alot of interesting info about me or my life from the phone.....the phone is a tool we have . but this house does not use it that way.....

letter writing.....you like to read ....but will you write and share some of your emotions and feelings.....??I doubtit....or you would have done that already here..........(unlessyou were without a computer)

so my end will be held up.
.I will communicate..
.but I doubt that you will be mature enough, brave enough to risk exposing yourself to me in the same way......

too bad.....

you would have learned alot.....you learn from the experiences of the folks you just went before you.......and I ahve made enough mistakes to be a really good teacher!! ha

baby racoons

we ahve three little faces peering down at us from the ceiling of the old barn/barracks in our field. The dogs were very excited and barking and we assumed SQUIRRELS" had taken command of that portion of the field......hanging out in the trees.....throwing things down on the dogs like they love to do.......

but when we went over to investigate ..there were the three little masked faces......my grandpa shininger had pet raccoons on his farm.....they were in a cage out by the barn........
these were so cute I was tempted to go pick one up....but they were not tiny babies......and one of the three was quite willing to depend his siblings.....

so I call them eenie , meanie.and minie..(there is no moe)
I went back out there later in the morning and left them some cat food and some apples......(they eat anything)


they were still hanging out in the same place.......
but later when I was going to show Ian and Chris they had moved further back up in the ceiling......

so it is getting dark now...they will be coming out to play and eat......
last year it was a bird nest on the light.........this year we have raccoons........

awe summer cleaning

it rains and rains..but it is back to its daily time frame...every afternoon like it is suppose to...that leaves us the morning to get things done.......

everything is green and moist here .......a nice change over the last few years.....
I wpent the day yesterday with erik....we cleaned the downstairs part to the apartment.....it looks good

today we tackle the up stairs......

plan a is to make the place clean and inviting for a future roommate......plan b is to make the place clean and nice for the landlord.......(so no extra money needed for clening , damages..etc....)


the kitties are a hoot....pixie and gollum do have interesting personalities......i find coins everywhere......they like to throw them off of tables I hear.....

and last night Ian got ptomoted to his "canidate of black belt " status

he nows wears a red belt with a black stripe down the center.......
interestin.......grand mater Kim was here to watch the test and judge . he is an interesting man......(does it hurt when you hit the board over and over again like that?? the student nods a yes....then he says so do not do that....bradk it the first time)

I read that he is the chairman of the refrees for the olympic games...and it was his son that won the first tae kwon do heavyweight medal in 1988 when the sport was included in the olympics...


interesting guy.....
Ian did very well.....they had him do his board breaking last......he was to hit a suspended board......and he hit it fast and just right...and it broke......
(he was the only one able to do it....including the adults in his rank)

and later he says that he did the kick wrong...he hit it with his big toe not his heel like he wanted to........wow

watch out world.....with one toe he can take ont he world!! think what he could accomplish wiht this whole foot!! ha

well summer cleaning is about to start.......got to load up my supplies....have vaccuum ..will travel

art

well we saw some really great art today.....the big sale and show at the loveland museum was having its last day........

so I went down there...and I was surprised but kent and erik went too......now I half way expected erik to go.....but kent?? hmmm

that was the nice part about having erik around again......he enjoys the arts....so I do nto have to go alone anymore......thanks erik...
soon we will be at the java lounge at teh monthly peotry readings and such too......beware


kent though I never really figured as an arty guy....he is a pop culture guy though....movies and such.....I guess I caught him on a good day......

we walked around and said semi intelligent things about each painting ..and I am sure we looked like escapees from a college art dept....but that was fun......

lots of good art and inspiration........

changes

well things are changing ....every one has some financial crisis to ride out right now........

all the kids mainly......every one except Ian.

so I have my fingers crossed that things will go well...

every one of us gets to learn to adapt....that is what makes you a survivor......adapt to the events that happen around you......

evolution ....it is hared on a fish to learn how to breathe air.....that first fish had it bad.....but look at where it leads......ha

got some news yesterday about Ian's cool school......it seems there is some sort of politics going on and the director left...and with him alot of the teachers......so next year is looking all new and different.....

and a very busy summer for the board of parents that run the school.......they have a lot of hiring to do and it is pretty late in the game for new folks to be hired....teachers usually sign contracts by may 1st......

and next fall....2004 ..we were moving into the new school building which is being built...........

so hopefully we will see alot of familiar faces at the first day of school next year...and if not ...we jsut rebuild....

Ian has a choice to go to the new high school down the block...or homeschool....or pioneer.....
he is sticking with pioneer.....

so alot of changes are happening......kent jsut came in with his hair cut.....erik got his cut this week too.....but kent wins.....he shaved it bald!!!

so we all are long hairs that have short hair right now........
go figure....

tired

well I can take a big breather and be lazy this morning....Ian is off on his 4 day camping trip in the wilds of colorado...and then the lucky bastard will be camping at the great sand dunes......
I could not go this time.....not that many days away form here and the furry children and the guy in the basment and the paper route....

and I am tired......I think today is the last day I am the sub janitor at school....the lady that does it should have been back a few days ago..but she got stuck in utah...it snowed.......so it is warm and sunny and she should be back soon....

it is not that I am doing alot......it is more that there is always one more little nagging thing that needs to be done to make life easier...and I am the one that is in the position to get it done the easiest......

so I do it......
I have huge fluffy pillow now ..and have been sleeping better....it is a gaint u shaped thing...as tall as I am......so I can snuggle.......
it works great...so maybe the tossing and turning at night will go away for good......

I have been a bit restless lately.....marking things off my to do list......and with Ian now gone ..and all the packing done....I can take a quick break....before Morgan and Micheal arrive......
b
they will probably not be around alot ..they have stuff to go do ....which is find......and we can babysit her doggy......
my old dog (lady) has trouble getting up and walking now.......whd waddles and groans.......not much trouble really ..but I will keep her in her own little suite..just to make life easier

Chance will love a new playmate...and Petrie will be fine as lone as it is not another girl dog in her territory.....

so the weekend is looking ok........

the finals should be all over for the college guys....and they will be concentrating on jobs...and finding money.....I sent homw the sunday paper with stuff circled.....(how pushy is that ha)

but I look for me mainly.....I would like a part time job.....

but today I am going over to the tv and vegg ..until noon anyway.......

whew.......

try again

it snowed and slushed on us today......it was interesting getting hit by slush balls thrown by trees!!
my last message was written quickly and half-thought out and then I had folks interrupting and then a few looking over my shoulder and then a few animals on the key boards.....

so I will try to explain a bit more......this time of year .(.mom day)..I get very reflective.....the mom job is the most important thing I will ever do in this lifetime...and I reflect on how to do it better.....or what the results are to previous efforts....

for example: does the mothering techniques of my grandma and mom differ from mine ...mine now and mine 20 years ago??? which shows best results??

and my baby girl is talking about being a mom too....what will her techiniques be???

is it better to let the kids go wild....alot of freedom ....take care of yourself and your needs first...better to make the kids become the adult and take care of you?? better to make them worker bees...and you are jsut raising an army of hardworking productive people??

better to give boundaries and examples...better to show bad examples and ask them not to do what you did...they can see the damage done

who knows....

I had thought I was on track back when I started..but I also believed that I had all the answers...and if I did not then my mom did...ha

so looking at the cold hard facts???

is there a better mothering method???

I believe so....but I do nto know what it is....

rain snow tornadoes

it is raining here and snow is mixed in here and there to keep us guessing....we have watched big black clouds go ever every morning ...and it sounds like they were all tornadoes.......
everywhere we had freinds or family seem to have dangerous weather yesterday......hope this rain is not upon them.....

this weekend is Mom day...I sent flowers to the mom and mom -in-law....but I think that the group in Mo. went fishing...and so their flowers would be left on the front porch..and then blown away by the storms>>> I hope not.....probably a neighbor will collect them for them.......I hope.....

I was thinking about values and things you teach your kids as a mom/parent..wether you meant to or not......

and I find that alot of the things I must have in my life and relationships....are not neccessarily what my kids want.....and then there are things I do nto see myself do but they pcik up on and do too....

ugh....

values.....honesty...hard work....

I love to wrok hard....my father did ..my mother does......you find something to be passionate about in the job and do it well......I wanted to be respected by my peers and fellow workers...as honest and hard working........

and some values like perfectionism is something I tried to defeat.....but think I passed it on.......
I do not have the answers and it is only arrogance of me to think I know more than anyone else.....

I have learned to watch and help and the reason you are on earth is to follow your talents and help life be easier ...on ther eat of the world and yourself......learn the lasssons and pass them on.....

so one lesson.....does the end justifiy the means.....??

no..not if you lose yourself in the process..because all you really are that makes you unique is your values........

so is it a lie if yuou jsut leave a few things out??

yes....lie by omission is a lie.........the puurpose of communication in the first place?? remember...to get you message understood....to relay info......and if the info you relay is flawed or half-truth..then the whole thing is based on a bad foundation.....


so to all those out there in the virtual world.....I have discoverd this about myself...I have been arrogant and niave and selfish in my past.....competive and ambitous and self-centered......

but I forgive easily.....we are all in this together......
except if you lie to me........

thenyou have given me nothing to build on....just fluff....and I willlwait for the real stuff..the facts ..the truth to emerge and it always does


so then I can base the relationship on what your actions are ..not jsut your words...........

I have learned that words mean nothing.....they fill air between tow people...and mena nothing without the actions to back them up.......

walking off the pounds

I bought a new toy..one of those thingy things that you clip to your belt and it tells you how many steps you took and how far and how many calories and the time.....

I took over 17000steps yesterday....and 14700 today.......
fun........but I have found if I hike or clunk along it works great...but if I am a smooth gliding walk or shuffle....then it does nto register.....it counts the up and down motion....

ha

so I clunk.....and hike....and yesterday I walked in the cathy fromme prarie park in fort collins....cool.......orginal land never been plowed...

and I saw dozens of red winged black birds and then meadow larks....and then prarie dogs just atnding around watching me.....not afraid of me at all.....I was just another human on the walking path....

and then I saw the rabbits ..and then......I saw the coyotes...

yep...a mom and baby....she was determined to dig out that pesky prarie dog for breakfast.....I walked past slowly..but she was off the trail about 50 feet....she looked up and kept an eye on me....but I guess I looked harmless.....

I went past them and noticed the baby going off on his own...

I made my loop to the end of the trail and on teh way back I looked over to see if they were still there....wondering how patient this coyote was.....did she really think she could dig out that animal...did she not know aabout the tunnels??

and then ta da...she had one.....walked over to her baby...who was running full speed across the field to her.....and like a good mom ..she gave her hard fought kill to the little one.....well she was not really little....a teen

but I understand about that......ha

those teen years are the most trying...and wear us out!! ha

anyway then I was a golden eagle on my way back to the car.....

cool morning....all in 1 hour and 30 minutes.....

today I walked the devils backbone here in loveland.....out in the wild ..less traffic and less houses...and never saw a single animal!!!

but I did get a really great view of pikes peak!!

so for a meer $18 at your favorite target store..you too can have a little pedometer....fun for all....

I was trying to do 10000 steps or more....but I think i will try for 20000now ...I have been getting close each day......

somewhere I read that 2222 steps is aobut a mile.....for me it is a bit more....I have little steps.....

colorado springs

I saw our old house today.....like going back into a time tunnel of some sort.....nothing had changed....same bushes..same paint......same trees and standing rocks we had put in......weird to me......
it has been 5 years.

In 5 years time we had changed alot of things at that house......

I guess they like our taste???

Pop had a seminar at the broadmoor hotel ther in the springs today.....it was one of those international type things....lots of folks from around the world mainly....

Pop was asked to be on this 3 person panel and take questions fromt he audience and such.....
I guess he did well, cause he came back with all sorts of invites to visit Zurich or the french riviera...ha

he got alot of quiestions and thank you from these professor types....so he done good.


meanwhile back at the ranch, I got to be lazy and watch tv ..read.....it was snowy and cold and windy , so I could ot hike up pikes peak like I had planned.....but that was ok........
it was neat to see the old places .....
the snow was gettig so bad you had little visiblility..and when we drove past the kissing camels at the garden of the gods..you saw a shadow out there but no rocks!!!


so we will have to go back soon...Ian wanted to come anyway...so we will make a family trip of it soon....

Kent came through for me, and did the superman thing....he got here in the wee hours of the mornign and got Ian up...they did the newspaper route..and then Kent made sure Ian got to school.......
so he is my hero right now......
and Ian got to spend the night here on his own for once.....Kent had plans and and we left around 9:30 at night.....so he got be in charge , get himself and the housefull of pets fed and watered and ready in the morning...

he did very well....

but I did get worried when I could not reach these guys this morning...we kept calling thinking that they feel back asleep or something....I was checking to see that things were ok and they were ready for the school thing....

Kent (after we rang the phone over and over and over) called us back...and they had jsut a few minutes to pull this off and get Ian over to his school ride......but they made it...

so ta da....
how they able to survive without me??you bet 'cha
my work here is done.......ha